(The Newest Jokes will always be placed on Jokes'nStuff 1)
Old but Beautiful!
Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr Tommy Cooper...
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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fell in love - got married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
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"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. "
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
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Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Two prostitutes standing on a street corner. One says to the other, "Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The other replies, "No, but I've been swung around by the boobs!"
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
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A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
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My dog was really barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 pounds that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
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My friend drowned in a bowl of meusli.
He was pulled under by a strong currant.
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What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the bar.
"Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
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What is orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.
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I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc.
"It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
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Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It went down the lane and turned into a field.
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A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks.
The barman says "I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he's bound to start something."
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What do you get if you cross a pit bull terrier with a Labrador puppy?
A dog that makes you crap yourself and then runs away with the toilet paper.
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Answerphone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
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What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
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Did you hear about the dyslexic alcoholic?
He choked on his own Vimto.
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
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A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear,and asks to see the manager.
The cashier steps through to the managers office: "There's a woman to see, sir, she's £100 in arrears."
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Hear about the cannibal in an Indian restaurant?
He ate his Nan.
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Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
What a weekend!
A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he went out the entire weekend playing golf with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions.
Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which the husband replied: "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Finally on Thursday the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
Growing Up
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child says, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asks what's wrong. "Oh, dad," the boy sobs. "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Santa speech'. At seven, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for.
Bad Haircut Day
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!
What's a tragedy?
President George Bush is visiting an elementary school today and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, "tragedy."
So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stands up and offers, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."
"No," says Bush, "that would be an ACCIDENT."
A little girl raises her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not," explains Mr. President. "That's what we would call a GREAT LOSS."
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr.& Mrs. Bush, were struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, by a terrorist like Osama bin Laden, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic," exclaims Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a TRAGEDY?"
"Well," says the boy, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it certainly wouldn't be a great loss."
This must be the new Guinness commercial
A man goes into a pub in Chelmsley wood, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says.
"You dirty git" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband."
The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe.
The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick it all off." he says.
"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out." she storms.
Again the man apologies and swears never ever to do it again.
"One more chance" says the barmaid. "Now what do you want?"
"I want to turn you upside down, fill your fanny with Guinness, and then drink every last drop."
The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.
"What's up, Love?" he asks.
"There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off" she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband. "Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and lick it off" she screams.
"Right. He's dead"' says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my fanny with Guinness and then drink it all" she cries.
The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches the telly back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.
"Look love - I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness.."
Happy Birthday
A young man wanted to buy a gift for his girlfriend's birthday. They hadn't been going out very long so he thought long and hard before remembering that on their last couple of dates she had complained her hands were cold.
So he decided a pair of gloves might be appropriate, not too personal but, nonetheless, thoughtful. Accompanied by his girlfriend's sister, they went to Harrods and he bought a stylish pair of cream coloured leather gloves.
At the same time, the sister bought a pair of knickers and they both asked for their purchases to be gift wrapped. Unfortunately, the shop assistant mixed the items up and the guy left with the gift wrapped knickers and the girlfriend's sister left with the gloves. The boyfriend, without checking his package, decided to deliver his present in person, but when he arrived at his girlfriend's house she wasn't in. So instead he posted the present through her front door accompanied by the following note:-
Happy Birthday Darling,
I hope you like these. I chose them because I noticed you're not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evenings. Had it not been for your sister, I'd have chosen long ones with white buttons, but she wears short ones & they're easier to pull off. I was worried because they're a delicate shade but the shop assistant showed me the pair she's worn for the past 3 weeks & they're hardly soiled at all. I had her try on yours & 'though a little tight, they looked really smart. She said that the material helps keep her ring clean & shiny & in fact she hasn't had to wash it since wearing them. I wish you'd been there so I could've put them on for you myself as no doubt many hands will come in contact with them before I see you again. Just think how many times I'll hold them in my hand over the coming year. When you take them off, remember to blow into them as they will be a little damp from wearing. I hope you'll wear them for me on Friday night.
All my love,
Adam
P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
Best UK Double Entendres
MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's come in his shorts." > >
Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny unneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."
MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."
JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyres on World Superbikes: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."
Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."
WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."
ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."
DURING the 1989 British Masters golf tournament, commentator Richie Benaud observed: "Notices are appearing at courses telling golfers not to lick their balls on the green."
CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."
CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold nightlike this."
JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"
STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."
THE new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away... "My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."
WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."
STEVE Leonard, talking about vegetation on Vets In The Wild, told Trude: "There's something big growing between my legs."
CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if you could get it."
Cabin Crew
The United Airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle in 1st Class and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well dressed, rather exotic looking middle eastern woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazypoo so the main man can pittypat us on the ground." She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one." To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
"Well, sweetcheeks, in my country, I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch."
A Fishy tale of friendship
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day during a tropical storm, Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..."
As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a flash of lightning hit the water and, lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
During the next tropical storm, Justin figured that the same lightning force could change him back into a prawn.Lightning never strikes twice except in stories like these, but while he was thinking of being a prawn again, a flash of lightning struck the water next to Justin and, lo and behold, he turned back into prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again. "Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked. " Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."
"I'm a prawn again Christian".
Best sex yet!
An elderly couple are enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife. "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."
"Yes" she says, "I remember it well"
"O.K." he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake"
"Ooooooooooh Henry, you Devil, that sounds like a good idea." she answers.
There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this! Two oldtimers having sex against a fence, I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble."
So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by their walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on the fence and the old man moves in.
Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen! They are bucking and jumping like eighteen year olds. This goes on for about forty minutes.
She's yelling "Ohhhh God!!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, the both of them collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed, He thinks he has learned somthing about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman still watching thinks, "That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is."
As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together, Is there some sort of secret?
" No there is no secret" the old man say's "But fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."
Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
"Ribbit 3 wood."
The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
For the scientists among you..
STOP PRESS
New Atomic Element Discovered
A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. This new element has been tentatively named "Administratium".
Administratium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 111 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 sub-atomic particles are held together by other particles called morons, which are surrounded in turn by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since administratium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of administratium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than 1 second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay but instead undergoes a reorganisation, in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, deputy neutrons and assistant deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, administratium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation causes some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that administratium is formed whenever morons reach a certain concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "Critical Morass".
The number set to meet this level of concentration may be as small as 2 or as large as 20.
You will know it when you see it!
Spot the blonde!
This is so wonderful - what a picture!!...
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Wheel of Fortune T-Shirt
One of my friends really has a way of expressing himself. :)
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His First Baseball Game
The day has finally arrived.
Today is the day you take your son to his first ball game.
Leading up to the big day you have told him about game day, the smell of the fresh cut grass, the hotdogs that taste better at the ground than anywhere else, the roar of the crowd when the home team scores.
You tell him all about the wonderful sights & sounds he'll see on that wonderful day.
But the only thing he'll remember about the big day is................
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Living Life Backwards
Andy Rooney's Thought On Life....
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. And then you die. What's that? A bonus? I think the life-cycle is all backwards.
You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you're too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
You work forty years until you're young enough
to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby & go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating...
Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it.
HAVING A BAD DAY////////?????
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you're having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What?! STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There, now that feels better .
Psst.. Wanna buy a war plane?
This was allegedly posted (very briefly) on the McDonnell Douglas Website by an employee there who obviously has a sense of humour.
The company, of course, does not have a sense of humour, and made the web department take it down immediately (for once, the 'IMPORTANT' note at the end is worth a read too...).
McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to fill out the warranty registration card below.
Answering the survey questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.
1. Title:
[_] Mr.
[_] Mrs.
[_] Ms.
[_] Miss
[_] Lt.
[_] Gen.
[_] Comrade
[_] Classified
[_] Other
First Name: .....................................................
Initial: ........
Last Name......................................................
Password: .............................. (max. 8 char)
Code Name:......................................................
Latitude-Longitude-Altitude: ......................
2. Which model of aircraft did you purchase?
[_] F-14 Tomcat
[_] F-15 Eagle
[_] F-16 Falcon
[_] F-117A Stealth
[_] Classified
3. Date of purchase (Year/Month/Day): ......./....... /......
4. Serial Number: ...............................................
5. Please indicate where this product was purchased:
[_] Received as gift / aid package
[_] Catalogue / showroom
[_] Independent arms broker
[_] Mail order
[_] Discount store
[_] Government surplus
[_] Classified
6. Please indicate how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you have just purchased:
[_] Heard loud noise, looked up
[_] Store display
[_] Espionage
[_] Recommended by friend / relative / ally
[_] Political lobbying by manufacturer
[_] Was attacked by one
7. Please indicate the three (3) factors that most influenced your decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:
[_] Style / appearance
[_] Speed / manoeuvrability
[_] Price / value
[_] Comfort / convenience
[_] Kickback / bribe
[_] Recommended by salesperson
[_] McDonnell Douglas reputation
[_] Advanced Weapons Systems
[_] Backroom politics
[_] Negative experience opposing one in combat
8. Please indicate the location(s) where this product will be used:
[_] North America
[_] Iraq
[_] Iraq
[_] Aircraft carrier
[_] Iraq
[_] Europe
[_] Iraq
[_] Middle East(not Iraq)
[_] Iraq
[_] Africa
[_] Iraq
[_] Asia/ Far East
[_] Iraq
[_] Misc. Third World countries
[_] Iraq
[_] Classified
[_] Iraq
9. Please indicate the products that you currently own or intend to purchase in the near future:
[_] Colour TV
[_] VCR
[_] ICBM
[_] Killer Satellite
[_] CD Player
[_] Air-to-Air Missiles
[_] Space Shuttle
[_] Home Computer
[_] Nuclear Weapon
10. How would you describe yourself or your organisation? (Indicate all that apply:
[_] Communist / Socialist
[_] Terrorist
[_] Crazed
[_] Neutral
[_] Democratic
[_] Dictatorship
[_] Corrupt
[_] Primitive / Tribal
11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?
[_] Deficit spending
[_] Cash
[_] Suitcases of cocaine
[_] Oil revenues
[_] Personal cheque
[_] Credit card
[_] Ransom money
[_] Traveller's cheque
12. Your occupation:
[_] Homemaker
[_] Sales / marketing
[_] Revolutionary
[_] Clerical
[_] Mercenary
[_] Tyrant
[_] Middle management
[_] Eccentric billionaire
[_] Defence Minister / General
[_] Retired
[_] Student
13. To help us better understand our customers, please indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy participating on a regular basis:
[_] Golf
[_] Boating / sailing
[_] Sabotage
[_] Running (guns or) / jogging
[_] Propaganda / misinformation
[_] Destabilisation / overthrow
[_] Default on loans
[_] Gardening
[_] Crafts
[_] Black market / smuggling
[_] Collectibles / collections
[_] Watching sports on TV
[_] Wines
[_] Interrogation / torture
[_] Household pets
[_] Crushing rebellions
[_] Espionage / reconnaissance
[_] Fashion clothing
[_] Border disputes
[_] Mutually Assured Destruction
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Remember Jacko and his baby??
Never, never cheat on your girlfriend...
Fridays in Hell...
