(The Newest Jokes will always be placed on Jokes'nStuff 1)
Virus Warning!!!
If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes, " delete it IMMEDIATELY.
Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty. It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetises the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR, and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 1-900 numbers.
This virus will mix antifreeze into pet's food. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.
It will drink ALL your beer.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??
It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your Skim milk with whole milk.
******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN. *******
And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your chair ignites, severely burning your genitalia.
Send this warning to everyone.
(If you are a blonde, this is a joke.)
Spooky!
This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realised that there's nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel.
The guy, paralysed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town.
Wet and in shock he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realise the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other, "Look, Pete, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
Oops... Some Essex girl jokes here...
Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle,
Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI! What the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for "come to me"
Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying, "That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like come to you?"
An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker "10" replies the Essex girl.
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames"
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the Irish guy's wearing.
She says to him "Scuse me mate, I ain't bein fanny or naffink, but why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"
So, the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of Guinness and replies, "Well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."
"Cor, blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them."
A blond girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to her mum and says: "Mummy today at school we learnt how to count. Well, all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me: 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 ! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond?"
"Yes darling, it's because you're blond."
Next day, the blond girl comes back from school and says: "Mummy, today at school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K ! That's good, innit?"
"Yes darling, very good."
"Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
"Yes darling it's because you're blond."
Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mummy, today we went swimming, and well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive 36 D hooters at her mum. "Is that because I'm blond, mummy?"
Her mother replied "No darling, it's because you're 25."
Wot's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge?
The fridge doesn't fart when you take yer meat out
These are actual metaphors from GCSE exam essays (apparently...):
Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19p.m. at a speed of 35mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding,much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."
She had a deep,throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before.
The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Glenda Jackson MP in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Robin Cook MP, Leader of the House of Commons, in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the suspension of Keith Vaz MP.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free cashpoint.
The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium.
It was a working class tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with their power tools.
He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a dustcart reversing.
She was as easy as the Daily Star crossword.
She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature British beef.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first-generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.
Australian Airline humour...
This is from maintenance logs of Qantas: Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident. P stands for the problem the pilots entered in the log, and S stands for the corrective action taken by the mechanics.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for!
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windscreen.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly)
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed radar with words.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
Elephantitis of the testicles...
Actual letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, US...to his boss. His boss resigned very soon afterwards!
Dear Mr Baker,
Mr. Baker, as an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of myself and my co-workers during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time. Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen.
I was hired because I know about Unix, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers.
Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will. You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude.
In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.
Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favourites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favourably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mothers b-day", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public.
Never fuck with your systems administrators, because they know what you do with all your free time.
Yours Sincerely
Darryl Brewer.
Recently E-mailed yet so true it scares me...
Living in the 2000s
You know you're living in the 00's when:
1. You have 5 passwords, but can only remember one.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.
4. You e-mail your buddy who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
9. Your company's welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
10. Your resume is on a diskette in your pocket.
11. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
12. Your biggest loss from a system crash was when you lost all of your best jokes.
13. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
14. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
15. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
16. Interviewees, despite not having relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
17. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
18. Your supervisor gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the latest features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours boots up.
19. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
20. There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department desperately needs, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
21. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers"
AND THE CLINCHERS ARE..
22. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
23. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".
24. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you don't have time to check so you forward it anyway.
25. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you anymore, except to send you jokes from the net.
26. This email has 20 different disclaimer notes at the bottom, telling you that the information is confidential, but you forward anyway.
(author unknown)
HAVE A NICE DAY!!!
****************************************************************************
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those persons to whom it is addressed. Its contents are
confidential and if you have received this message in error,
please inform the sender and delete all records of the message
from your computer. Any form of reproduction, dissemination,
copying, disclosure, modification, distribution and / or publication
of this message without our prior written consent is strictly
prohibited. Neither the author of this message nor their employers
accept legal responsibility for the contents of the message
and any views or opinions presented are solely those of the author.
Six Continents PLC, 20, North Audley Street, London W1K 6WN.
A Wedding Tale:
A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of shandy's. One questions the other two, "listen, it's our wedding night and I was wondering - how many times are we expected to...um...you know.... do it"
Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on. Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up,
"Hold on lads, we can't discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us."
"No you're right. What we'll do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, that'll be the amount times we did it" offers another groom. They all decide it's an excellent idea and depart.
The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but that's nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables.
The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Hello, I'll have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please". The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.
The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast"
The waitress gets to the last groom "I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." he takes a deep breath "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for everyone's benefit
whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor corey must be.
"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. "Why, that's an awful lot"
"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is." She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again ......................................
"And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?"
Inexperienced Chili Tester:
Notes: From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who had moved to Texas from the East Coast: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy,and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice,smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
_____________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
______________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now - get me more beer before I ignite. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
______________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it; is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me of ...[Message truncated]
Supersex 1:
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to......"
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too....you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well-when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your um...equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long. Madam? Madam?.....Good Lord, she's fainted"!
Supersex 2:
A little old lady was going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex! Supersex!" She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she again said, "Supersex!"
The old man sat silently for a moment or two looking up at her. Finally he answered, "I'll take the soup."
Gross:
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor, saying she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years when by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
The best talking duck joke?
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich. The landlord looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working" replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the landlord.
"I see your ears are working" says the duck.
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly," says the landlord, "Sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road" explains the duck. So the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the landlord says to him; "You're with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous" says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The landlord says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus" says the landlord.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right" replies the landlord.
"The circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle" asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the landlord.
The duck looks confused. "What the f*** do they want with a plasterer?"
The most romantic nation...:
Two builders from New Zealand, called Phil and Mick, are working at the top of a high rise building site. Phil turns to Mick & says "I've gotta take a piss, but there's nowhere to go".
"Walk out to the end of that plank" replies Mick. "I'll stand on this end and balance it"
"Are You sure Mick?"
"Yep, no worries mate"
"100 %?"
"YES!"
So out goes Phil to take a piss, but before he's finished the lunch siren sounds. Mick forgets what he's supposed to be doing and steps off the plank. Phil of course, is a gonner.
Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman and a New Zealander are sitting in a bar discussing which of their respective Nations chase women the hardest.
Wazza the Aussie says "Mate, I've been known to miss a piss-up session down at the pub with me mates, trying to crack on the Sheila's!".
Pierre, the Frenchman says "Non, non, non. We French chase ze women weeth much zest and geev to zem gifts of love like French champagne to ween zeir affection. Eet eez us for sure".
Meanwhile Bob the New Zealander sits laughing & says "No, no, you blokes are both wrong. The other month I was walking past a building site at home, following these 2 gorgeous looking birds, and this bloke came plummeting
from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming: "CUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNTTTTTTTT!!!"
The Golfing Nun:
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it would make 280, but it struck a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said , "You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...PHILOSOPHY:
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"? She calls on little Johnny.
He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot."
The teacher replies "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."
Then little Johnny says "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?"
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."
To which Little Johnny replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking."
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...MATH:
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3' I said "6" replies Johnny"
"But that's right!"
"Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...ENGLISH:
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
Little Johnny says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...GRAMMAR:
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom.
He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!!"
LITTLE JOHNNY ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said.
"Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,... just fucking beautiful!"
"My God", the doctor exclaimed after interviewing his elderly patient. "Do you seriously mean to tell me you haven't had sex since 1935?"
After looking at his watch the patient said "What's the big deal? It's only 2140 now."